Monday, February 08, 2010


Well, this post has started out as a lot of different things tonight, but right now Blogger has really thoroughly ticked me off. Has anyone else had problems just, simply posting their blog posts????? I have been using the "new" post editor, or whatever they call it, but the past 2-3 days ... it just won't load. Who knows? Maybe it's my computer or browser or God knows what.

The important thing is that today I am so thankful (yes, post editor thingy's aside!). As I learned exactly one month ago, and as I have mentioned countless times since, I lost my amazing headache doctor. Lost ... as in, I have no idea where he went, and it does not look as though anyone is going to be telling me anytime soon. He's gone, he's "no longer practicing," as the receptionist at the headache clinic stated it to me on the telephone. And when I saw his boss today, the main headache expert, my new doctor by default ... well, he made it clear that we would not be discussing my old doctor. I had many of my own health concerns as usual, and concerns (to use a wild understatement) about meeting a new doctor ... so I just followed his lead and didn't bring up the odd situation. But I mean, under what circumstances is a doctor there one day, seeing me, setting another appointment with me, filling prescriptions over the phone for me ... and within four days, within the same week, gone? He was a new doctor, as in ... his medical license was brand new as of 09/09 (yes, I looked it up of course ... no blemishes on it so far!) ... but he is listed as co-author of studies with his boss as far back as 1999 ... so obviously they have had a professional relationship for many years. And now he is gone, and the office acts as though he never existed there. Something BAD must have gone down, that's all I can assume.

BUT. That definitely isn't why I'm grateful and counting my blessings today. I am, perhaps, a pessimist (perhaps, ha!) ... but dammit, I hold that title against all my best efforts!! I really try to learn to work against that proclivity or whatever it is. I mean, if nature (and we can be certain, nurture) has caused me to be a pessimist, a depressive -- or at least given to bouts of melancholy -- then, dammit, I am going to learn to work against nature and nurture as well!

So here's the story. Ever since I found out my doctor was gone, I have been alternately hysterical and fighting hysteria while effecting a facade of calm. Well, as this date, today, approached, it seemed more and more rapidly with every hour of every day, I became unable to keep up the facade. Shit, I was terrified of the new doctor. Does that sound ridiculous? Well, for those who don't know me well, a brief history: I suffer a severe and somewhat uncommon (in its severity) migraine disorder. I am currently not working, receiving disabilty, because of the terrible physical, emotional, professional (and on and on, etc., etc.) effects of this disorder on my life. Yes, many people, especially women, suffer migraines. People have them from a few times a year to every single day. I had become an every-single-day girl. And before that happened to me, I could not even imagine the far-reaching effects that everyday migraine would have on me. I mean, sure, it's obvious that it's painful, disturbing, exhausting, stressful... all that, right? But when it went on and on and on, and no one could help me, and there were all these medications, all these times of hope and then disappointment and side effects and constant strain on my body, constant vomiting and sleeping and lying in dark rooms and PAIN, PAIN, PAIN ... well, everything else just crashed around me, from my career aspirations to my education to my interpersonal relationships. Well, I said I'd be brief. That's the short story!

So here we are today. I met my new doctor today. As I mentioned, he's the big kahuna, the old doc's boss. He runs the headache clinic, and actually, he is THE headache authority in my state. He is quite renowned nationally as well. The reason I feared him is the reason I have come to fear all doctors. There have been too damn many of them, and there are just too many who don't get it. From emergency rooms the Chicago-land over, to internal medicine doctors ill-equipped to handle my condition, to neurologists who became increasingly frustrated when they could not help me despite considering themselves pretty damn good with headaches ... doctors have treated me poorly, accused me of being a drug-seeker, a faker, a hypochondriac, etc. Ugh, I can't even think of them anymore, they're all dead to me now.

When I finally, after a decade of suffering, landed at this headache clinic, I was terrified as usual, but I quickly learned that my new doctor was awesome! Amazing! And today I learned that his boss (as any rational person might have assumed) was the one who most likely passed those traits on. Because my NOW-new doctor (after all of this) is WONDERFUL!!!!!!!

Yes, he is even MORE awesome than the one who is gone. He knows more, he's more professional, he's nice, he's understanding, he listened, oh! I could go on and on! The main thing is, I did not need to have worried a bit, not for a second. Geez. I'm a pessimist, I fear catastrophe in everything, but also ... I have experienced terrible things in my journey to find treatment for my condition.

And now! Now! Well, beginning last July, actually ... I have found this clinic, and they are different there! They GET it. They do not think that someone who comes to them in severe daily pain, with headaches that cause them to vomit until their stomach aches, on a daily basis at times ... they do not accuse me of "seeking painkillers," they do not act suspicious of what I'm reporting as symptoms, they UNDERSTAND. They know other people who have suffered like I have!!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS WHAT I HAVE!!!!

I am so thankful. Although not a dogmatic, organized-ly religious person, I am spiritual, and I have a deep faith in things (I shall describe at a later time). Many people in my family and among my loved ones prayed for me and sent positivity my way in whatever manner they chose, leading up to this appointment today. I prayed hard and did whatever positive visualization I could muster, even when it seemed my fear and anxiety was so much more powerful. I believe in these things. I believe they led me here and will continue to shine upon my path. And that is why, no matter where I've been, I am grateful for where I AM, today.

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