First, the Update!

...Thank you to everyone in my life, on the blog as well as in "real" life, who prayed for me or left comments of hope and inspiration either here or on my "social networking" sites.  I believe deeply in the power of prayer and putting positive intention or thought or ideas (there are a lot of different theories about this, with a lot of various corresponding terms, all meaning basically the same thing ... all of which I won't delve into at this time!) out into the universe, or if you prefer, into God's ear.  I know that it works, and you all helped me this past week!


As I said in the last post, my big, frightening doctor's appointment was Friday morning.  I had worked myself up into an absolute frenzy by the time the morning came.  Going against all that I know I should do in the face of anxiety, I just gave in and became hysterical.  I felt too scared and too weak to stop it.  I had the support of my friends and family though; they offered me their undying patience when I wanted to talk and recite every fear over and over again, and have them repeat back to me why they were all unlikely to transpire the way I imagined, etc.  


As it turns out, the appointment went EXCEPTIONALLY GREAT!!!!!!  I was wonderfully stunned!  It's somewhat rare in this life that we have occasion to be stunned in that GOOD way, actually shocked into silence over the pure joy and relief of an event.  I just soaked it in, speechless afterward.  When I could speak again, later, when I could at least think words in my head, I just thanked God again and again.  And I got down to the business of thanking everyone who has helped me.  


To be a little more specific, the doctor, with whom I'd gotten off to such a shaky start, was more than willing to listen to what has been going on.  He was very patient, even when he decided that my very last "quick question," posed as he was opening the office door at the end of the appointment, required a blood test.  He didn't act like that threw him off or I was making him late or anything.   I brought my mom IN to the office with me, but the conversation went so well from the start that I didn't need her to jump in or anything.  However, when the conversation turned to my A.D.D., she did provide support for my examples of symptoms that have been worse lately, as well as things we noticed as far back in my life as kindergarten or earlier (without knowing they were "symptoms").  It was good to have my mom right there, saying yeah, that is true, I saw it... 


One of my friends reacted to my good news by saying, Wow, was this even the same doctor as before??  And I get how he feels .... maybe a little cautious after those last few times when the doc upset me.  Like, what, is this guy Jekyll - and - Hyde and we are never going to know who he'll be at any given appointment?  But I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt now, because ... well, because the first appointment was one of many that he had squeezed in during what I think was a terribly stressful time for his office, maybe even for him personally.  When my former doctor disappeared ... there are just so many strange things about that.  When you look at all the facts (another time), you can only really deduce that my former doctor must have done something really bad, really PERSONALLY bad, to his boss.  I think it was personal, and their relationship ended.  So if that was the case, I can see why my doctor (current) would be going through a hard time.  Plus, he was trying to maintain order in his business, when all hell was breaking loose in every aspect.  He was nice to me at Appointment 1 anyway, just not very personable and we didn't get into much detail about anything.  So I had no idea what to expect...


The second appointment was the really bad one, the one that broke all my trust and had me reeling, terrified that my whole life and my condition were once again just blowing in the wind, with no advocate in a doctor, no one to trust or get help from, nothing.  That was the one where he switched my medicine without explanation, and he seemed just crabby and rude overall, and he told me he needed to test my liver and some other stuff ... seeming to indicate that it was due to my taking more of certain medications than HE would recommend (even though I was doing it on the direction of my previous doctor; not like I had just taken it upon myself to take these medicines extra or anything).  He told me then that he would like me to start tapering certain medications down to lower dosages, and I just left feeling like I should be ashamed or he didn't believe I word I said no matter what.  Like I was some kid in trouble or whatever.  And I truly hadn't done anything except follow the previous doctor's ideas and directions.  Ugh!  So I was feeling like a pawn between these feuding doctors...


Third appointment, I brought the big guns along:  MOM!  She is the funnies, friendliest, kindest, most sociable, personable person you could want to meet!  She's cute too!  But my mom doesn't play when it comes to her kids and other loved ones!  This Friday when I picked her up, before we had even left the driveway, and before she had even had a sip of her morning coffee, she stated with a dead-serious gaze:  "I will come out of a box! If he starts with you or isn't listening or something, I'm so serious..."  That's my mum.  She's fun and friendly and loves to laugh, but if you eff with us ... you'll wish you hadn't even gotten out of bed that day.  Haha!  LOVE HER!  So that third appointment was alright, I left thinking maybe things would be okay.  It wasn't great, but not as bad.  It's just that the results were bad.  My whole past six weeks has been awful.  And that is how I became so out-of-sorts leading in to my recent visit to the doctor.  It was a snowball effect, a combination of being at the end of my rope after literally 6 weeks of almost non-stop head pain and also out-of-control A.D.D. symptoms.  Add to that a developing pattern of fear and confusion around my appointments with the doctor I was still getting to know, and boom!  Mayhem.


And now?  Everything is good.  Old wounds are healed.  New hope is firmly established.  And I am going into this -- into my new treatments and into my fledgling relationship with the doctor -- with restored hope and excitement about building the life that I want.  Within the past ONE week alone, I have learned a whole bunch of new stuff about my two main disorders, especially the adult A.D.D., that I never, ever knew before!  And it has just kept building my hope that I can learn and grow and learn how to build the life I want.  It's so wonderful to feel and realize that everything is not out of my control!  Finding an accurate diagnosis and then finding a successful treatment are so life-changing.  For now, I'm basking in that relief and joy!  Thanks, everyone, for helping make it happen for me!