Well, what should I say? Where to start? I haven't been writing as much as I'd like, but I'm doing a little writing in my own journal... meaning my personal paper-and-pen one. I work out the absolute darkest, most difficult shit there usually. Sometimes I expand on those issues here. Sometimes I just keep notes on stuff that I might want to explore in depth later or events in my life that I know I will want to remember just the way they are. I really love having a journal, and writing is just IN me. I have and always will write, whether I get paid for it or not. It's just who I am.
So it's difficult when my "issues" (for lack of a better term) get to me and even take my writing away. My doctors think that I have Adult ADD, but as with so many things, they haven't really said it's for sure; rather, they just try different meds and treatments for things, and if they work, they work. My doctors never seem to label the disorder at the root of the emotional or physical pain. Anyway, it has been suggested that I have my severe Migraine Disorder as a physical illness ... and then this ADD (only discovered / explored last year!) thing as a mental issue ... and a by-product of the suffering these two little bastards have caused is Depression... yay.
But it's tricky, this stuff, isn't it? They say that attention problems might be the secondary issues actually ... from medicine, from depression, from sleeping problems... all of which I have sometimes. I swear that when I'm not in pain and when I don't have raging ADD symptoms, I am not depressed. That suggests to me what I described in the last paragraph. That is the right diagnosis, according to what I feel. But the docs just seem to think that it doesn't matter so much what you ARE, what you HAVE and what it's CALLED, as long as we mess around with chemicals and everything enough to make it better. I think this is weird. Do they not talk to me more about diagnoses and things because they think that I, as a layperson, am too dumb to get it? Or do they just not give a shit? Or do they truly not focus on that stuff anymore ... like, maybe they feel it's detrimental to be teaching patients to label themselves "depressed" people or whatever. I'm not sure. I'm gonna press each of my docs next time I see them for more information.
I didn't do shit today, and I'm not planning to. I mean, I get so frustrated with myself and with these disorders or whatever. I always make a plan to wake up early and get going ... Meaning, I want to get up and maybe work out and then get in the shower and be clean and ready, ya know? But it is more frequently the case that I wake up with a headache or just sluggish because I didn't sleep well or whatever... both sometimes. So I drink the coffee, and I try to pump myself up a little, and I make lists of what I want to accomplish ... But then the headache will refuse to go away even with medicine, or I just can't seem to get the energy. It's shitty. Soon enough it's late afternoon, and nothing is done.
I allowed myself this for awhile. It's been just under six months since I received my disability qualification. For me, that was a blessing and wonderful news. Sounds crazy, but life has been crazy in the past couple of years. If I didn't stop the rat race, the craziness that was taking hold of life for me, which I have spoken of before, I would have just shriveled. Maybe I would have died eventually. I don't know, but everyday was worse than the last...
So I knew that I needed to rest and just get myself together, being gentle with my sick self and just letting the healing and energy come back to my spirit. At first, in the first three months maybe, everyone just went NUTS at the change in me... I mean, they were happy and glad to be around me and happy FOR me, you know? People constantly were telling me how much light and energy and just a glow or something had returned to me. And now ... Now I think that I lost some of that along the way over the past couple of months...
To Be Continued ...
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