Monday, March 01, 2010

To Blog Anonymously or Not?

I am feeling so ... ick.  First there was some evil virus that made me all sniffley and sleepy during last weekend.  Then I had more energy but still just have had a difficult time getting back my mojo!  I even made an appointment with my therapist!  I mean, that's not, like, outlandish or something.  It's just that I don't have regular, bi-weekly appointments with him or something.  Rather, I just see him when there are problems or things going on that I am having trouble solving in my life.  Well, now seems like that kind of time.  I'll catch him up on everything this Thursday.

I don't usually write a lot about relationship troubles here ... that's one of the hazards of having a non-anonymous blog!  In the past, I have had anonymous blogs and been "found out" by a psycho boyfriend twice.  That really burned me.  Even though he was in the wrong in 1) looking for my personal blog online and for 2) judging me and the things that he found upsetting about the blog he wasn't meant to read ... oh! and also for 3) imposing his own values and ideas about what his GF should and shouldn't talk about online ... even though he was in the wrong, somehow, I was the one that really suffered.  That is why, even though I have been blogging for years, keeping such a detailed record of my life and my thoughts, I have no archives besides the ones here.  I have changed a lot since those days and vowed not to delete a blog again ... especially not in response to the wishes of a boyfriend.  

Any readers out there, who know me in "real" life or otherwise, might as well know that this is my true and authentic-as-possible account of my life.  It's MY life, at THIS time, in THIS place ... MY thoughts and reactions, MY feelings, MY ever-changing views and opinions ... and sometimes it is a place where I just hash things out, meaning that what I write here might not be the full story on what I think about something ... It might just be my working out a problem.  You know how sometimes you "decide on" several different courses of action before actually embarking on one?  Well, I do that in my writing quite often.  And it's just better that anyone who might be quick to make assumptions knows that what I write here is NOT a record of my decisions or finalized plans.  And if all of that is too confusing or troublesome for you, maybe you better just stay in the realm of our "real" life.

But still, having a blog that people who actually know me read means I don't write quite as freely as I would otherwise do.  I have toyed with the idea of creating another blog, somewhere else, where no one knows it's me (or maybe I already have), but then I would probably stop this one.  I'm only interested in writing about my life once!  And in a coincidental opposite-situation, I would probably write TOO openly in an anonymous blog, and if anyone who knows me read it, they would instantly know it was me!  

So this is it.  This is me.  I do not refrain from writing things that might offend, in terms of politics, religion, opinions on life and people and whatever comes to mind.  The only time I sometimes censor myself is if it's a case of hurting someone personally.  Like, if someone in my family gave me a present that I didn't like, or if they had a personality trait that really annoyed me, something they couldn't change, I wouldn't write that.  Because ... what can be done?  I tend to be against teasing and complaining about others when they have either a) done the act in good faith, such as choosing a gift, or b) are doing something or have a trait that they cannot change about themselves.  Other than those types of personal things, I try to write openly.  Anything else is a disservice to the act of blogging (in the definition of what I mean my blog to be) and to my own life's account.

For some reason, I feel like I had to write about this and address these issues today.  I have not received many complaints -- although I have gotten a couple -- regarding this blog, but like I said, the past burns bright in my memory.  That whole relationship burns and stings in my memory, but oh, that's a story for another day...a day when I want to be thoroughly depressed!  Anyway, I hope that anyone reading this who knows me, will take it to heart...

Bottom line?  If you read something here that rubs you the wrong way or seems like it's hurtful to you ... PLEASE ask me about it and allow me to explain in person!  Allow me this blog to write and express and explore what I think and feel.  Sometimes it's the only "safe" place to do so.


Barbara said...

I'm glad you don't censor yourself here. Real, authentic blogging is always the most interesting and...well, UNIQUE. I have deleted blogs too and once I accidentally published my PRIVATE for my eyes only blog and my boyfriend's mother found it and it was all horrible things I said about him (right before we broke up). Not pretty. I sometimes wish I could be more myself but I am depressed a lot and if you blog about that people try to cheer you up then I feel guilty and stupid and weak. No win.

Beatle says hello to Dorian!

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

OMG that is a horrible thing about your accidentally-published blog. Are you someone who believes that things happen for a reason or there are no accidents? I think I believe that (I frequently question what I believe ... workin' on that). Maybe it was meant to be after all? But dang, I had some good posts on there, I remember!