And We're Back...

I’m 35 years old this year, and i am not happy about it.  i have never before in my life experienced this … this ...unhappiness about my age... and therefore i did not expect ever TO experience it.  no, i believed very strongly that one was as old or young or perhaps ageless as one felt, as one chose to live and BE.  maybe i still believe that and maybe i think i’ve failed myself in those aspects, and maybe that’s why i’m unhappy.  maybe i feel about twice my age.  i don’t know.  but it’s not good.

i never said it out loud, and i never thought about it, obviously (given what i just stated above), but somewhere in my mind, deep inside myself, i must have decided -- or feared, or observed -- that about age 30 or 35 is the time when Certain Things Must Be Decided.  let me attempt to explain...

before these past few years, i felt, believed, truly and whole-heartedly KNEW, that i could be and do and become anything in the whole world that i wanted.  yep, i truly believed that.  i have no idea where such lofty ideas came from really, given my upbringing.   i mean, it has all been quite modest, when it put it on paper.  which is why i don’t do that very often.  put it on paper, that is.  ha. ha.  i can’t recall anyone saying those words out loud very often, not in such drastic terms.  but i am a stubborn girl.  you have no idea!  when i get an idea in my head about what i’m going to do, that’s just IT.  there’s no letting go of it until it’s done.  like a wild animal that bites and its jaw just locks.  that’s what i remind ME of.  it’s often a good thing, but i’ve also had to learn that there are times when i have to pry myself loose.  some things have to be thrown back, thrown out, abandoned. 

for many years, i wanted to be a police officer.  a realistic goal.  i mean, i had most of the qualifications.  for the departments that i wanted to apply for jobs in, my most difficult challenge appeared to be some of the physical qualifications.  there are typically physical tests given to applicants, which include some kind of bench press minimum and a running mile time limit, stuff like that.  while i’ve always played sports  and been underweight most of my life, i was not fast enough or strong enough in my upper body to meet the qualifications.  but i could BECOME those things.  the goals were not out of the range of possibility. 

i’m not exactly sure why i didn’t go for that particular career option more aggressively.  i can only tell you now that it probably just wasn’t right for me.  because it just didn’t stir enough passion in me to make me do all the work.  i just didn’t push myself for it the way i have done, the way that i do, for things that i really and truly desire.  and inside of myself, i’ve never been able to MAKE myself or FAKE myself out (not to be a poet about it) enough to do things just for the hell of it or just to see if i CAN.  so i never really made the bench press weight, even when i had passed some of the other exams for the police department or gone to interviews, and i just kind of was “blah” about it.  and HERE is the thing... there was always Another Time... because across the U.S.A., on local and state and federal law enforcement departments, the age limit for a starting officer with no prior experience is almost ALWAYS 35.  

so you see.  there was always Next Year.  until this year.  this is the first year of my life when i said to myself, i really CAN’T be a police officer now.  and it’s kind of dumb, because i didn’t WANT to be a police officer anymore!  i hadn’t tried to get that job, hadn’t wanted to do it or anything, in years.  but now i CAN’T.  now i’m past the age limit, or dare i say it, too OLD.  on the other hand, i’ve been wondering how i feel about saying to myself, “hey, i am now eligible in ALL ways to be president of the united states.”  me and john mccain!  we have everything in common now!  i don’t know, i’m all fucked up in the head over this.  and i never thought about it before, never once!  i’m telling you.  i don’t understand why it snuck up and bothered me now...

it wasn’t just the police job... that was just something where there is a definitive, written rule.  but you know, it’s quite likely that i will not become a backup dancer for a pop star now, if i haven’t already (a teenage dream of mine)... i mean, you know, really.  and i don’t think i’m going to be a supermodel at this point if i haven’t done much work in that industry already (same dreams, same timeframe).  probably i won’t become a pro surfer either, because i guess i forgot to move to a place with a beach before i went and got TOO FUCKING OLD!

i think i might be hysterical over this.  and no one i talk to understands.  a lot of my friends are PERFECTLY happy with their lives, which consist of just what they wanted, i guess, at this point... they have 1 - 4 kids, dogs and cats and houses and careers and husbands … NONE of which i have, ‘cept the cat.  and i don’t want any of it, those are not the things i’m lamenting.  can’t i get a house any old time?  like, when i’m 85?  can’t i get 4 dogs and adopt some kids if i have to?  no, no, i’m being a little sarcastic... but those just aren’t the things that i personally want.  or wanted.  so i just don’t have people around me who understand.  i mean, people who are OLDER than i am don’t understand of course, like my parents or other family or friends... they just think i’m being silly and that since i’m younger than THEY are, i have the world at my feet or whatever.  but hasn’t anyone ever felt this way? 

i know that my life isn’t over, and for that i am certainly grateful.  sheesh!  i know that i have --with any luck and some vitamins and exercise -- many years left to make of whatever i will.  this is not about my life being “over” or something.  this is about finding a way to come to terms with the fact that … that i guess, i’m an adult, and that i’m at a point in life i never considered before??? that there is a time in life when you have to shut the door on certain things, that you have to accept that certain things aren’t going to happen for you, and MAYBE that’s okay, because maybe i made certain choices in my life that led me to the place i am... (switched from that general “you” to “i” …such great, formal writing here) …

i’m beginning to think through such things, but i’m still not happy or comfortable with the situation at all.  shit, i feel like i have to have therapy about this like some goddam yuppy or something.  like, ohhhh, my biggest fucking problem is that i don’t want to be forty!!!  or some shit.  but that is NOT my biggest problem, it’s just something i haven’t learned how to cope with.  and don’t even know exactly how to explain...  which is why i’m writing about it and putting it out there to the world...

i need to figure out what i AM now if i’ve begun to see and feel all of those things that maybe i’m NOT ever going to be.  you know, there are some careers and goals in life, i guess, that you can’t do (like being a professional cheerleader, un-checking that one from my list...) if you haven’t done them already when you’re like … shit, when you’re 25, let alone THIRTY-five.  but there must be a lot MORE things you can still do when you’re my age.  plus, i’m educated and would love to go get MORE education if i have the financial opportunity, i can read and play music, i can speak and read Spanish and even some French, German (and i know the Korean alphabet and both sets of their numbers, so i can translate/read the language there....just takes me a little while!), i’m awesome at all kinds of weird stuff like doing research (i’m the best fact-finder/ web searcher /at-home Jeopardy player EVER); playing sports; chatting people up; i’ve worked with people from all walks of life and had to be their boss.. SO, i think it’s weird that i don’t seem to fit in anywhere, like, for a job or whatever.

sometimes, i feel like it’s all the health problems i’ve had.  i lost practically my entire social life, and i guess i lost my jobs, to tell the truth, in one way or another, because of my disorder (see:  all my other blog posts... ha. ha.).  but at the same time, sometimes i feel like that’s just not the whole story, and why do i feel that way?  maybe that IS the whole story!  maybe i WOULD have more of a life and not have such a struggle with my identity right now if i hadn’t had so much struggle with my health during … well, during my whole adult life.  shit.  that’s something i need to think about more.  maybe, as they would tell me in therapy, as they HAVE told me in therapy, i need to grieve for what i feel was lost during that time.  like my opportunity to be a pro skateboarder.  :)

i think we’re getting somewhere.  i’m really glad we’re having this conversation!