Rant!

I'm so annoyed by the hypocritical and -- perhaps even more -- the Puritanical -- attitudes in this country!  So I'm watching the movie, "Kickass," right?  I've actually only gotten halfway through it right now, as I'm writing.  I'm watching it now, because I bought it OnDemand from my cable company ... I thought I had it for 48 hours, but no... so, then, just having to know how it ended, I bought it again today.  I'm not sure the movie is worth the $10 I've now spent on it, but it is good.  And funny.  I like its originality and spunk.  SO the other day, after I'd begun watching it, I was telling a few people about it, and I found that not many of my friends had seen it.  I reminded them that it was the movie about the superhero guy that had become controversial because it stars a 13-year-old actress whose dialog includes every swear word you can imagine including words such as "cunt" and of course "fuck" and the like.  Just to give you an example, the last two people I told this to, who said they only vaguely remembered the controversy, responded with the argument, "Well, couldn't they have toned it down a little bit then?"  Both people said roughly the same thing...


I was like, "NO! WHY WOULD THEY?"  This, if you know me, is unthinkable in my opinion.  Um, hello, if that's the way the character is written, then why should they "tone it down" when the stupid American "public" says something about it?  That is not the way of art or literature or music or ANY creative pursuit!!!!!  EVER!  It's not just in the dialog for gratuitous name-calling or vulgarity!  IT'S THE CHARACTER! Oooh, I was pissed off.  I'm so glad the movie got made and people saw it and the role was cast perfectly in my opinion.  DESPITE all this bullshit.


I had to wonder whether the whole issue of the little pre-pubescent-looking blond girl in the role of the foul-mouthed super-heroine would have caused such a stir if she had been black or male or Mexican something else that people are more apt to expect vulgarity from?  There's no way to know for sure...


You might have heard, in real-life news, that two young men were recently released from jail (or prison or whatever you call it in their case) in Florida ... they are the King brothers, who were sentenced to something like 8 years (I'd have to review the case, as to the specifics) in some form of Juvenile Hall after being found guilty of murdering their father.  The unique thing about their case was that they were found guilty of their crime at ages 12 and 13.  The jury recommended sentencing for both boys of Life without Parole, but the judge intervened and gave them this sentence which amounted to a second chance for them.  I remember the footage, which I saw again last week as the guys were released, of these two tiny little white boys, with their bowl haircuts, who looked even younger than they were.  One boy's feet didn't even touch the floor of the witness stand!  And while the jury recommended a harsh sentence (I'm not saying it was right or wrong), many people commented on the fact that it was just so hard to look at these little angel-faced babies and think about the possibility of them having murdered their dad.


And then, at the same time, in the same state, there was another case.  A 14-year-old boy was being tried for the murder of his mother.  I don't know as many details of this case, but I did hear how it turned out.  Same thing, where the judge and jury had to consider what to do with such a young person who had maybe committed murder.  If he was guilty, do we throw him away?  The thing that struck me, though, was that this time the defendant was at least 6-foot tall.  He was black, with a stoic, serious face throughout the proceedings (at least in the footage I saw), and a grim mug shot.  He stood in court room a full head taller than his defense attorney.  I fear that the mere appearance that this boy had, and any ideas or prejudgments people might knowingly or otherwise attach to that appearance would be quite different than the one that the little swinging-feet white boys had.  Maybe I'm wrong.  And I know that there are individuals among us who have all sorts of non-typical viewpoints and perspectives.  But it just makes me wonder.


Anyway, the third boy, the 14 yr old, eventually ended up with a 10-year-sentence similar to that of the King brothers, so I guess you could say all was fair.  But the 14 yr old almost exhausted all his appeals trying to get there, and it took a lot longer, and therefore I can only imagine more stress and maybe more money, attorneys' fees, etc.  Just made me think about society's perceptions again.  


I don't think I have to tell most people that our society will gladly accept a whole bunch of violence, war, blood, rape, guts, and guns as part and parcel of any movie or tv show or video game that's out there, rated PG-13 or higher.  But if you want to show a sex scene or use a swear WORD, especially out of the mouth of a little blond girl?  Well, MY word!  Not without an NC-17 rating on that garbage!  And I think that is fucking sick, quite frankly.   It's true that words are mighty, that they can hurt and soothe and unite and wound ... this is why we have laws about hate speech and such.  But in the majority of contexts, words really are just words.  You can swear or not, you can use big, educated words or not, etc.  These are just ways we paint the picture of a person, a character, where they might have been, WHO they might have been or are going to be.  As a writer, I love words and value them.  But I do not believe in giving them so much power that THEY control US.  And as for references and depictions of sexuality, especially when it is loving, between two people, not even something "radical" or pushing any envelope?  I think it's gross that our society can't bear to look at that, can't bear to allow it in our films or TV, without crying out that it's shameful and improper and lewd.


It seems that only violence, in any and all forms, passes with flying colors.  What's wrong with this picture?

My Mum

Okay!  I tried to write about my mum a few times, and each time I got too caught up in so many different topics!!!  Methinks that maybe I should write a whole book about her!  Or at least I better start penning my memoirs, AND hers as well!  Hmm ... maybe we could get together and write a book about ... whatever it was ... like Britney Spears and HER moms did!  Yeah!

What I really wanted to convey was the simple-yet-complex fact that I am just so blessed to have my mom.  And that today, as every time she is able to go with me, I was ever-so-grateful to have her along at the doctor's office.  I always know, whether we discuss it explicitly beforehand or not, that she has my back.  And we are so close that we can really read one another and know pretty well what is needed.  I know that in a conversation with a doctor-type, where I am leading the talk as the patient and Mom is mostly listening / observing, she is nevertheless alert and aware of all that's going on every second.  She will jump in and argue, plead, state a convincing point, or otherwise have me covered if need be.  I don't worry about it.  And I KNOW that if God forbid I were ever in some sort of "state" where I couldn't speak for myself and make my own demands, she would "come out of the box" as she puts it and tell somebody what's what.  

My mom has been instrumental in making me every single thing I am today of which I am proud!  She brought me up to be intelligent and curious and sensitive and compassionate and non-judgmental of others ... She instilled in me that the differences between all human beings, be it our skin color or the way that our minds and bodies work or the language we speak or the thing we do especially well -- that it's THOSE things which make the world beautiful and wonderful and divine and blooming with all sorts of music and ideas and art and science and books and jokes and personality!  I love that my mom instilled in me the value of diversity in ALL of its forms.

My mom has a lot of other hard-core beliefs that she really and truly lives by; so that I can only hope to follow in her footsteps and do the same, really living authentically in the beliefs that I espouse.  But she is also funny and warm and sociable and just always up for doing something FUN!!!  My momma taught me that it's of the UTMOST importance to find the joy in life, in EVERY part of life.  And what I've really learned to remember is that sometimes you need to go searching for that joy and holding onto it during those times when it seems hardest to locate or when the joys seem to be at their simplest ... when times are tough, you know.  I have learned from my mom to laugh in those times, to find what is funny and ironic and joyful and amazing.  

There are so many things my mom teaches me all the time, so many things that I have learned and have to keep re-learning because I believe they are essential to leading a good life.  A Good Life.  Some of my absolute happiest, most joyful moments are spent with my mom!  We always find some silly thing to talk about or laugh about or get into a conversation around.  And that's on the days when we are cooped up in the car or the doc's office!  When we are out on the town, forget about it!!!  

I love you, Mum!

To the Doctor Again!

And so today, I had another doctor's appointment!  I hadn't expected to go see the doc again so soon, but his office needed to switch the appointment, then I needed to change it, and blah blah, here we were.  Sad to say, I spent the past week working myself up again into a full-on state of permanent panic.  Just like the last ... what?  four?  five? ... times.  When I first met him, then the next appt after that, then for SURE the last two times when I wasn't doing very well (those stories you already know), and now today too.  I'm a real piece of work, I have to say so myself.  


The great thing is, today went wonderfully, just like last time, JUST LIKE LAST TIME!  My mom -- BLESS HER (and I'll come back to that in a sec) -- accompanied me again, so that was wonderful; she calms me, helps me laugh even when I'm crabby and nervous, helps me find the I-Pass (because we pay tolls here in Illinois... heard we're one of only 3 states or something ... that true?) and everything like that.  She's the best.  But we'll get to her, like I said.


Mentally, I think I can say that I am convinced that this doctor is good.  What a lame word, good!  But what I mean by it in this case is that he is GOOD at what he does (he's an expert!); he's GOOD for me (our personalities don't clash); and he strikes me as a GOOD man.  I mean, I don't think I've ever gotten to know one of my doctors well enough to sit in true judgment of him or her as a human being, like, oh what a wonderful person that doctor is, so true and loyal and wonderful and charitable and whatever!  All I can know is that he seems to be genuinely trying to help me, not rushed when he's talking to me, not pushing newest drugs on me all the time, not rude to me OR to the people I've brought in with me to appointments (have had that one happen before!), and things like that.  I guess these type of things make up that hard-to-pin-down category of "bedside manner" -- although I sure hope never to be bedridden again by a migraine (and I suppose that's another story too).


I'm feeling blessed that this doctor does not even notice the chip on my shoulder that feels so heavy to me, so obvious all the time ... Or maybe it's not that he doesn't notice, but rather that he's seen it before, that practically ALL his patients trudge in burdened by the same, having been through the same before finding him or being "sent" to him from bewildered suburban doctors ... which is how I got there.  I don't know.  And our working relationship is still fairly young, but now it's solid.  And I'm feeling better about that.  I'm thinking that possibly ... probably, even ... next appointment will not make me piss myself for a week before-hand.  Maybe just the night before?  Ha.


Stay tuned for the bit about my mum ...

Question For You...

I just got home from a short getaway to Milwaukee, where I have family... that was a mini-vacation that I so needed!  Yesterday was wonderful; it really kicked off summer!  Yes, it might sound a little late for that, but around here, summer didn't begin until July ... June was cold, rainy, and gloomy.  However long it lasts, this is the real summer kick-off!


So we went to the beach on Lake Michigan... just across from, well, here!  We have beaches, beautiful ones actually, right here in Chicago, on- you guessed it -- Lake Michigan too.   But I couldn't help but notice the vast differences.  I thought I'd put the question to readers of this blog; because my friends in places like Facebook or Twitter are people who live here, grew up here with me, or are in some way too close to "here" to give a good answer.  I'm wondering ... what is the general impression you have of CHICAGO?  The people?  The racial atmosphere?  The crime?  The culture? Fashion?  Like, if you have ever visited, or if you imagine yourself visiting, what do you expect you'd find, in either good ways or bad?  PLEASE don't hold back or worry about offending me!!!  I definitely won't be offended on behalf of a city; I'm not that type, please believe.  I'm really curious about how what I see living here for so long matches up with what others think, based on perhaps movies, rumors, or whatever else plants an image of a distant, unvisited place in our minds... 


I started to wonder about this, because Milwaukee is a completely different world, despite being another big city, with a diverse population, on the same lake, etc.  At the beach, what stood out the most to me, immediately, was that every color of person was there, all mixing together, all in line at the snack bar, all laying out on towels, etc.  In my experience, I don't see this at the beach in Chicago or the surrounding area.  The beaches I've been to have always been predominantly white white white!  Woo!  I mean, the glare from the sun, sand, water, and all those white people will hurt your eyes!!!  Hahaha... If you live in the area of the beach, then you have upper-class money, so that might be part of it.  I have no idea.    Without delving into the differences and the divides, which are always infinitely complex, it's just an observation.  If you know me at all through my writing, then you know I prefer the Milwaukee beach.  


So I'm putting the question out there; because I'm a passionate, if amateur, anthropologist, to the end.  No matter what I'm doing or where I go, I can't help but want to know how people are interacting and why and what influences their bonds and their conflicts.  Sometimes I wish I could turn it off, but I usually can't.  If I can't go directly to the source of something I'm wondering about, then I try to get my information from as direct a source as possible.  I'm a nerd in so many ways, always in pursuit of some (pseudo)intellectual study or curiosity, despite not holding a degree in it or getting paid.   Speaking of that, I should try to find a way to parlay all of this into SOME kind of job ... hmmm...


Well, moving on ... the day at the beach was so great... I really need the sun, the activity, the exercise:  my brother and I were paddling for our lives by the last leg of our Paddle Boat tour... sweat was pouring down my neck and my temples (the sweat pattern I usually think of a MAN having, ugh!!!), my brother was saying his legs hurt ... Oh it was very sad really.  For me, it was so pathetic.  I was an athlete growing up, always keeping to a strict regimen of workouts and "right" eating, etc.  I was a 3-sport letter (wo)man, etc., you know the type.  Honestly, only a little of my decline can be owed to lack of self-discipline or "laziness" or whatever.  It has all fallen apart as my Disorder(s) have had to become my priority.  I was thinking about that even before the paddle-boat experience; how I would really like to have my symptoms controlled, or better yet, gone ... to the point where I could do things like work and exercise regularly, routinely...  Those two words have become impossibilities for me over the last few years, and it shows.  Worse almost was having to learn to accept the fact that this was so.


Ever since my last treatment plan went into effect, July 2, I've been at least 50% improved in terms of pain, concentration, fatigue, and other major symptoms.  That is wonderful, for sure!  I am hoping so much that it lasts, that I can work with the doc to really fine-tune it over the next few visits, next few months, to build a trend of improvement.    But I just never know.  Two weeks is two weeks, no more and no less.  It doesn't mean it can't back-slide, but it also doesn't mean it can't get even better.  I have to do everything I can to support my body in healing.  I am so excited for the day that I really can LIVE again.  I haven't given up on that goal.  Last fall, I lived that for about 4 months, my longest run of good health ever in my adult life.  So I hope to get that goin again... 

Notes from My Book-Selling Days...

As I might or might not have mentioned before ... I spent a lot of years as a manager in a book store ... a couple of different locations actually, all within one large book seller that you all know well (at least in the U.S. ... I think in other countries too).  I shant mention it specifically, but you know the type:  big store, selling multi-media, usually with entire sections - if not entire floors -- dedicated to Children's Books, DVD's, Music, and some sort of cafe.  I can actually only think of two big ones that operate right now, so take your pick.


Although working in the retail business in general is, well, hell on earth- no other way to put it, I did enjoy many parts of my career in the book world.  Actually, what I really came to learn and love was all sorts of new music and all about the music industry.  I suppose I applied to the job at first thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'd be placing myself in proximity to an author or agent or some publishing person that might, just maybe, "discover" me and MY writing!  What I learned was that in reality, the "book people" hardly ever had contact with us.  Books are churned out in printing presses, warehoused, inventoried, and ordered, all without any authors or agents being personally involved at all.  HOWEVER, the music situation was quite different.


I don't know whether it's the same now (it has been about 7 years since I left the biz), but when I worked at the stores, the music labels would send local representatives to each location on a regular basis.  For example, our rep from Sony would come and bring promotional cd's from new artists, sometimes from well-known artists with new work out, etc.  He was also in charge of all displays around the store having to do with Sony artists, so he would put up different posters and ads and the like, within Sony's given allotment of space.  The thing was, being a manager and developing a friendly relationship with these reps, yielded awesome results!  


Through Sony and a few other major labels (who also repped their subsidiaries and thus exposed us to some great new music not being played anywhere else), I was allowed to request certain cd's for my store or personal use, ANYTHING under their label!  I explored so many genres of music and different artists that I otherwise never would have heard about!  It was great, a real education, a FUN education!  The record labels also gave me tickets to baseball games and invites to their record label holiday parties (more freebies to be had!).  It was the closest I had ever been to being an "insider" of some kind!  It was really, really fun!  And no, I have no loyalty to the Sony conglomerate ... I just can't remember which label was which with some of the other reps!  Sony definitely gave out the most free shit.  :)


...The thing that got me thinking about all of my happy times in book world was earlier today, when I was having a phone conversation about authors and which stores in my area seem to get the best ones to come out for signings, etc.  We got on to the subject of emerging literary "stars," and how it would behoove these stores to grab such writers just as their star is rising ... later on, they cost too much!   My friend on the phone used Alice Sebold as an example, and we recalled how when "The Lovely Bones" was released, we were able to watch that book absolutely explode onto the scene, and the author emerge from anonymity to super-stardom.  


I was reflecting on what a cool thing that is to see.  At least, to someone like me!  As a book seller, we would go from being completely unaware of an author, literally having zero books on the shelf by that person ... to five days later being in full combat mode, trying to get the most copies the fastest and keep 'em coming!  It really happened that fast.  One Monday I would go to work, and I'd get a few phone calls inquiring about a certain title... I'd order it or give other information for the callers... Then throughout the day, I'd hear my co-workers ordering it, maybe I'd see a review in a daily newspaper, etc.  Throughout that week, calls and inquiries just reached fever pitch ... oftentimes one out of every two customers who entered the store wanted to know about this book.  By the weekend, I would receive notifications from our warehouses announcing dates and quantities when I could expect shipments of the title.    Usually over that weekend I'd see more reviews or a friend would mention reading the book, I'd see that the author would be appearing on this or that tv show ... and voila!  By the next Monday, everyone knew the book, its author, and we couldn't keep it in stock.  With "The Lovely Bones" and "The DaVinci Code" and others like it ... We'd literally stack them everywhere- behind the cash tills, behind the information desk, behind themselves on the shelf, up in the rafters, everywhere!  Because customers were always asking, and then you could simply grab one for them from ... wherever!  As a manager, it was astonishing at first to realize that even with books stacked to the ceiling quite literally, every weekend would see us turning people away until the next shipment.  Crazy.


Oh, and although the aforementioned titles, along with several other Best-Sellers of the past decade, were driving insane sales, nothing in my career ever, ever approached the hysterical and non-stop demand for the Harry Potter books.  I worked in the book biz when the last book came out in hardcover ... We had the local POLICE controlling the crowds ... who incidentally camped outside our doors all night to be first in line.  That was the front lines baby!  

Skip This One if Open Wounds Gross You Out...

I do believe the blog is back up and running!  Haha, if it is, then you're looking at my robots-and-friendly-aliens background, right?  Probably won't keep that background forever, but it made me smile and felt sort of fun and whimsical...


Ugh, what a week!  I feel like the 4th of July, and that whole weekend was FOREVER ago!  I started it off with great news about my doctor's visit and all of the happy times I was (& still am, don't worry) expecting to follow ... but it seems I had some resting and waiting to do before diving into all those things I wanted to do when my headaches got better.   


And my headaches ARE better!!!!  OH HAPPY DAY!!!  GLORIOUS, SUNSHINEY DAY!!!!  For the past week, I have been nearly headache-free!  The couple of times I had the beginnings of a migraine, I took the lowest dose of medication possible, and it went away for good.   Most of the week, I didn't even need medicine.  Already!  The new treatments seem to be working already!  


However, I got this stupid infection somehow called Oral Thrush.  It's all been so gross, I won't even go into detail.  If you know what it is, well, then you KNOW.  So I got medication for that, and it cleared up within days, ok, no problem, right?  YES, problem... because I am prone to canker sores, which are painful when you have like one of them at a time.  Weeeelll, this week I learned about something called a Complex Canker Sore attack.  Yes, it happens just like it sounds:  attack of the canker sores.  A LOT of them.  Painful.  At all different stages of coming and going.  For days and days!  At its worst, I was in so much pain that even drinking to stay hydrated was almost too difficult.  All I ate was fudgesicles and a few milkshakes.  Swollen glands.  Extreme fatigue!  I was getting scared!  I mean, I have always been one to get a mean ol' canker when I've been under stress or not getting enough sleep or something like that.   In fact, right after my LAST visit to the doctor, I got one.  It was stressful, just like going into this one was.  But for whatever reason, this time the gates of mouth hell just opened up... 


Who knew that a stupid canker sore, usually no more than an annoyance, a sensitivity for a day or two, could render one unable to properly hydrate oneself?!  Aching with swollen glands?  Unable to do everyday activities because of the physical exhaustion/fatigue?!  Tomorrow, I'm s'posed to see the dentist unless I wake up completely healed or something.  I've got to remember to ask him whether this is, like, the absolute WORST case he's ever seen or something... that is, if he doesn't just fall out with shock from it all before I can ask.  That would pretty much confirm it.

TECH ISSUES!!

UPDATE @4:55 p.m. CST.... It's a frackin' nightmare!  OHHH the humanity!  I can't tinker with it anymore tonight ... at least not until I have had a) MINIMUM one more cup of coffee AND b)ice cream in some form, preferably shake form.  Bear with me please!  xo

UPDATE @3:10 p.m. CST ... I grabbed a new template, took the one named "Awesome, Inc." (fitting, yeah baby!), and made sure the colors worked (i.e. didn't blind anyone and weren't invisible) ... I THINK we have a winner!  I fiddled with the width of different parts just to make sure.  The right margins, which hold my beloved "gadgets" will be dealt with next, as they now have the sickness.  STILL don't understand why Blogger would publish this mess, with words bleedin' out past the SET margins, but what do I know?  If this works, I'll keep it until I learn a little more!  I want to WRITE, not do graphic design dammit!  :*)

Yes, I see that the blog is bleeeeeeding
into the right column... a mystery, as the body
column has "set" borders and width ... I am
trying to get Blogger expert help with
this... but if any other users have any ideas,
by all means, chime in!!!