Separation Anxiety

Yes, I'm BACK!  This is a happy event (coming back to my main blog) for me, as I'm sure it is for my loyal readers reader.

However, I feel all out-of-sorts.  I can't decide whether to take a nap or to try to stay busy ... and I think the latter will lead to mania, with me just running around and starting various projects, which no doubt need to be done but none of which I will finish.  The whole thinking process about all of it just exhausts me, and then I guess I should just take that nap... But I have some new books, and maybe I could read, and I'm just out-of-sorts!

The problem?  My precious baby Dorian-Cat is at the Vet today.  For the whole day.  He's being put under anesthesia and getting his teeth cleaned.  At his recent appointment they found some pretty bad gum irritation and tooth decay starting, and he might have to have one tooth pulled.  I didn't know how prone he was to this problem, but I have resolved to work on teeth-brushing with him.  He will hate it, but it's better than this!!!!  

I had to take my Dori to the vet clinic by 8 a.m. and will not be able to pick him up until 5... I have done this once before, and everything was just fine.  I like my vet, and my cat was great, he did great, and he was sleepy but healthy, everything worked out... But I hate it so much!  It's really obvious to me today how much our lives at home are intertwined!  I got up off the couch and was gingerly putting my feet down, just in case he was lying there, like I always do, because he tends to get under foot.  But then of course, I realized, he's not here!  Then the guys who do lawn work at our apartment complex came by, and they had the loud leaf-blower out, and I jumped up to shut the door, because Dori hates that... but I realized that it won't bother him if he's all the way at the clinic.  I hate this!  It's the weirdest thing ever to be at home with my cat NOT at home.   It's like what?  Why would he be away somewhere?  He doesn't go on play dates or anything, like, without me.  

I do not care if I sound like a poorly-adjusted, co-dependent, over-attached cat mom.  I don't like him to be there, or anywhere, without me.  He only trusts me 100%.  He trusts a few other humans close to that, but believe me, they ain't at the veterinary clinic.  Oh, sadness... Oh, anxiety... I want my baby back!  I must pass the time now, so that soon they will call and the day will be done.  

Hiatus

Hey everyone... I don't want those of you who are loyal readers (there are a few, yes) to keep visiting and finding that I haven't posted .... but I've been having a difficult time getting my words onto paper (so to speak) lately, just a hard time all around.  Also, I'm working on a little side project, another blog of sorts ... and once it's "ready" I will be inviting some of you who have been reading and commenting here to come be members there.  More info on that later...  Anyway, just wanted to post and let you know I'm taking a small hiatus from this one (maybe a week to two weeks), but I certainly WILL be back!  xo

Peace Times Generation

I don't know how to write about today.  It's always interesting to me, especially as the years go by,  to hear where people were when they found out, when they "heard."  I don't remember another event like that, the kind where everybody can talk about how their world stopped and they never forgot that moment in time ... exactly where they were and what they were doing... since I was a child and the space shuttle Challenger crashed.  I was in third grade then, and there had been a plan for us to watch it take off on TV.  TV's in classrooms were not the norm in my school in that time, and when we did have them, it was mostly to watch a tape of something educational.  I don't know that the school even had a proper TV antenna.  I don't remember.  Maybe someone was going to bring the TV into the classroom (because they were always on rolling carts that teachers had to sign up to use and pass around) and show us a recording of the lift-off.  It must have been early in the morning, and I don't know whether we would have been at school.  I just remember that the teacher broke the news to us that there had been a horrible accident, and that the Challenger had not lifted off as planned, that it had exploded.  I believe we were to ask our parents to explain it further to us.  


I mention all of this, because I grew up in a generation that was extremely unique in at least one way.  The kids that I grew up with and I only ever knew peace times.  I mean, there were scuffles and military involvement in different events during my life, yes.  But not like what's going on now.  And not like Vietnam or any war that came before it.  


I should stop here and point out that I do realize a "generation" is defined differently by many different people, and depending on context.  For my purposes, I'm speaking of the kids who came of age, say grew up and became teenagers, with me... Let's say about 7 years time.  My brother is 7 years younger than I am, and his own classmates definitely have their own "generation" with its own music and culture and experiences ... some overlapping mine, but many new and all their own.


I was a Junior in High School when the United States entered into the Gulf War.  Even then,  I don't believe that my generation gained much understanding of what it means to be at war, to go to battle, to face a world wherein bloodshed is being caused by and happening to our own military on a large scale.  If you were someone who had a personal relationship to a soldier or other military member who fought in the Gulf War, that's different.  I understand that having personal involvement changes everything, especially for those who lost someone.  And what I write here is not intended to belittle the efforts of such people in any way; in fact, quite the opposite.   Because if you were like me and so many Americans growing up then, the Gulf War just looked like the United States triumph we were taught to expect.  Even the news was not all that serious (anyone remember the "scud stud," i.e. Arthur Kent?), full of quick justice being dealt by the U.S. before the mighty military came on home to celebrate and laugh at anyone who would challenge our super-power nation.  That is the attitude and confidence, however falsely founded, that I was taught.


I now know that it is a very blessed and unique thing, for which I am full of gratitude, to grow up in such a world, where my country seemed like a safe and mighty fortress in which to live.   My generation never knew fear, not the particular kind that enters into a land and sits with its people night after night, when a nation is at war.


As High School graduation approached for my class and those behind us, many kids announced their plans to enlist in a branch of our military.  Some kids had already entered into ROTC programs.    The woman that I am today is unspeakably  ashamed to tell this, but it's the truth nonetheless:  these kids were usually regarded as the ones who didn't have any other options.  I mean, the general thinking of the day was:  why wouldn't you go to college, or get a job making some money, go get married, etc., after High School?  The only good reason to join our military was because you needed money for college and couldn't get it any other way, or to learn a "trade," as the advertisements promised, because you weren't interested or capable of getting into college or getting a good job right out of school.  When recruiters came to our school and were allowed to set up a table in our cafeteria (but not to approach us ... they could only speak to interested parties who approached them), most kids just ignored them.  If you were seen getting information from the recruiters or talking to them, it was just like this weird stigma... like oh, look, there's a kid who has to go into the military, he/she has no other options.


I did not take notice of this ideology one way or another until years later.  I had my own plans and was very determined to stay on my own "right track" at that time.  No, I was not one of those who made fun of other kids for going to the military or any other reason.  I didn't judge people, as I don't now.  But looking back, I know that the kids were judged.  And I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.





To learn about that war and so many other aspects of what our country has done, been like, etc., I've had to educate myself.  I did not learn most of the things I feel are very important about our nation's place in the world until after college, when I took it upon myself to ask questions of relatives and friends, to read all the books and other literature I could find, to know this place where I grew up safe and sheltered.


Today, largely because of what happened on September 11, 2001, I live in a different environment, a different world of ideas and ideals.  Now I have lived to see the boys who are of age voice their opinions on what they would do should another draft be put into effect.  Now I have known grown men (and a few women), my former classmates and my friends, who have enlisted.  Now I have communicated with guys from my neighborhood, my generation, all over the world, some who have been sent into battle and some who have not.  Now I'm living in the world that most people have always lived in, the one in which wars break out, the one in which war changes everything, the one in which people go away to serve those of us living here at home, and sometimes they don't come back.  I am sobered and humbled and matured by these experiences and this knowledge.  I have changed along with the world in which I live, along with my country.   I, like everyone else, changed on that September day, for always.


If you are among the many people from all over the world who lost someone on September 11, God bless you.  My prayers and thoughts are always with you, not lessened at all by the time that has passed.  I will not be one who forgets that day.


If you or your loved ones are fighting for us, or stationed and trained anywhere in the world prepared to do so, my heart and thoughts are with you.   I pray that God will bless you and keep you and bring you back home to peace times again.  And I thank you for serving this country that I love.

A Good Week!

This was a much-improved week.  Started out last Saturday (close enough to the "start" of the week for me!) with tickets to the Sox-Yankees game, which was here at home... Home being U.S. Cellular Field in south-side Chicago, for those who don't follow baseball.  It's so sad that, although I've been a major baseball fan since birth, I've only been to "the Cell" (as the Sox park is nicknamed) once since it was named and built.  It used to be Comiskey Park, waaaay back in the day, and I'd been there, but this park is a lot different.


I didn't bring my camera, and I can't believe it now!  I had no freaking idea or memory of the fact that the Cell has these amazing 360-degree views (obviously, depending on what gate you are standing by, the level you are on, etc) of the entire city skyline!  It was GORGEOUS!  The night couldn't have been more PERFECT for an evening baseball game, although the Yankees beat us.  But I mean, this view is breath-taking!  If you come to our city, I guarantee you won't get this view anywhere else except maybe the Willis/Sears Tower.   But of course there you can't take an outdoor picture (at least, not to my knowledge ... if they're letting people go outside up there nowadays, then, no one has informed me!).  


I really wish I'd brought my camera, but see, I was all befuddled by the security measures that allowed only small backpacks/purses/bags into the park.  I read that beforehand, and perhaps now would be the time to inform those who don't spend time with me personally that I always carry a huge bag or backpack with me.  I just can't seem to get away from it.   I have my various magazines, medicines (especially those), my e-reader, etc. etc. on and on!  And I just have to schlep everything and don't mind doing it.  But these days, you have to check on such matters, because many places won't let you bring your huge bag of migraine meds and magazines (haha) into their facility, depending on what it is.  Ok, so I digress as usual ...


So I had packed all my essential crap into a purse (yes, I do own a few, but rarely use 'em) and just didn't know or have the mind-set to deal with the camera.  Oh, and I don't have a camera on my phone, if you can even imagine, haha, because my phone is like 5 years old and doesn't even know what a photo IS.  It's not that I'm cheap or even that I can't trade my phone in by now for a newer model, but ... every time I go looking at them, I get too overwhelmed.  I mean, I really don't NEED all that shit.  I have a great camera, a good mp3 player, and quite frankly, I don't even want that crap on my telephone!!!  I do, however, wish to surf the internet and text all the time with it.  So I don't know, I'll get to that sooner or later... probably later.


Um, so yeah, that was my last-Saturday start to the week, and this week has been pretty darn good.  It was soooo good to get OUT with, like, humans!  I had a really cool person seated next to me at the game.  I mean, my friend Steph, sat on one side, yes.  But the one who was a stranger, well, you never know what you're gonna get, but I got a good one.  I'll tell you about him in an upcoming post, 'cuz he is a Vietnam Vet and actually deserves his own post.


Steph is a friend I worked with for years at my favorite job; yet we hadn't seen each other for like 5 years probably before going to the game together.  And you know what?  It was pretty much like no time had passed.  I mean, we had lots of catching up to do, but we laughed our asses off and just had the same kind of fun we always had.  So it was all good.


I tried to keep my momentum going by getting in touch with friends and family and getting out a little more this week ... yesterday we visited the Lincoln Park Zoo (also in Chicago...Lincoln Park is a neighborhood there).    Oh, I took some pictures THERE, you better believe it!  So I have lots more to write about.  Soon!

Oh I'm not sure where to start today.  I am actually in this strange and awful place wherein I feel the need to write ... and write and write, just to get it out, you know?  And at the same time, ick, I just don't even want to hear my own damn voice.  I know from writing in school and writing for professional assignments, that it really helps me to just write, almost a stream of consciousness or to utilize writing prompts (I have a book I'm currently using with a topic or prompt for each day of the year).  The purpose of this type of writing is just to get all the gunk outta my head so that the real stuff, the real point and purpose of what I want to say can shine through.  Maybe it sounds nutty to some, but this is what works for me as a writer.  


I guess I'm in a bit of a writer's ... not a block exactly, but some kind of funk.  I suspect that even when I try, even when I think that I'm doing it, I am no longer writing or blogging authentically.  And in my opinion, if I'm not going to come on with it, as I describe that hard-hitting genuine writing that's so compelling in any sort of first-person narrative ... well, then just hang it up, geez.  You might be familiar with one of my favorite bloggers, Anna.  Before you click, if you haven't done so in the past, I will tell you that she is an admitted drug addict and she writes a completely honest and therefore completely graphic blog about ... everything that goes on in her life.  And I adore her.  I mean it.  Nope, I don't know the girl.  Don't know whether we'd ever be friends or even have anything to talk about if we met.   But as a blogger, she is the absolute shit in my eyes.  Because it doesn't matter what mental state she's in, doesn't matter what emotion she's feeling, what she's going through ... it's not about the external material for her writing.  It's her narrative, her explicit descriptions and reporting on what she feels and sees and thinks and wonders about ... she conveys her humanity quite exquisitely.  


I've written like that in my life before.  I'm not sure whether I ever did it as consistently as Anna, but I sure as hell came a lot closer to it than I'm doing now.  It's not just my blog, it's anything I write.  I have a Hub-Page, I write a journal, I do some writing exercises ... it's everything.  I'm off my game.  


This is depressing to write about.  I think the reason I'm off my writing game is that ... surprise surprise ... I'm just "off" in life.  Maybe I'm not facing things that I need to face.  Maybe I'm not living authentically.  Maybe I'm scared of a lot of things right now, and I'm allowing fear to stop me from writing and from living.  I think that on some level, I know that at least some of this is true.  And ya know what's pathetic?  It only makes me loathe myself.  I hate myself for it.  Every word that isn't what I want it to be, every single time that I see myself as a diminished version of the woman that I was or was becoming earlier in life ... that woman who I could right now definitely and confidently describe to you ... every time I think about the discrepancy between the two, I feel disgusted with myself.  That's it.  I knew if I wrote about it, I'd get to the bottom of it.  I hate where I am right now, hate what I'm doing with my gifts and my talents and the blessings of my life.  

Go There, Then Come Back Here

Okay!  Check out this website, because ... because ... you MUST.  It makes me laugh, especially when I'm in that sort of bitter-but-not-REALLY and melancholy moods, both of which fuel my cynical "gallows" type of humor.  It might also be described as "Office Space" humor.  


After you tire of that (as if!), check out my "A Few of My Favorite Things" blog roll to the left.  I've begun late-summer cleaning and purging, people!!  This list is meant to be a true representation of the blogs (and occasionally other sorts of site) that I do indeed consider "favorite."  Therefore, I have deleted a few blogs (perhaps the reasoning behind such decisions will be a forthcoming post itself) and added a few new favorites.  If you like my fellow bloggers' words, drop them a comment and say so.  After all, your comments are the way that I "met" most of you!  And if you hate them, well, hey, it's up to you what you wish to say or refrain from saying!  'Tis the life of us bloggers.


...Because in the meantime, while you're being sent to and fro by, well, me, I have a coupla new blog themes or possibly features and the like which will be posted in the not-too-distant future.  I'm taking a new direction with my writing -- and of course that includes TerminallyUniq... STAY TUNED!  :)

Fierce?

Sheesh.  As if I weren't already grouchy, cranky, or whatever you want to call it.  Now I'm reading this book, and I just have to mention it.  It's called "Fierce," and it's a memoir by Barbara Robinette Moss.  I guess it's a sequel of sorts to an earlier memoir she wrote that focused more on her childhood; that one was called "Make Me Into Zeus' Daughter."  I didn't read that one, because this one appealed to me more with its focus being on her trying to make her way through adulthood.  She, like me, and like many of my readers, is an ACOA, an Adult Child of Alcoholic(s).  That shitty label can make itself known in many hideous ways, but we all have quite a few things in common; so I like to read memoirs like this.  Usually.


But damn, woman!  That's what I keep saying as I go through the book.  First of all, I got about 10 books in the last month, between loaners from friends, a couple e-book purchases, and the library.  And out of the EIGHT I've already peered into, this was one of only TWO that even seemed decent.  It was a real strike-out of a book haul this time.  I will try to read a little more of my other books, but they don't look too promising so far.  


Anyway, the whole time I'm reading this book, I just can't stop shaking my head.  I'm bewildered.  I mean, okay, I don't know Ms. Moss' exact age; I suppose I could cipher it if I took the time, but I haven't.  She must be the age of MY parents, roughly; her own father, the drunk in this scenario, was a WW2 vet.  And I know that the times were different when she was growing up, but man, was she naive, even into adulthood, even halfway through this book when she's been divorced twice, lived in 3 states, and had a child!  And she just keeps making all of these crap decisions that make me think, Damn, there's a difference between being effed up from an ACOA upbringing and just lacking common sense completely.  Wow.


I was drawn to the book, because the e-book store kept suggesting it to me, supposedly because it matched up to my other purchased books.  I made note of that, but then I also saw it reviewed on Amazon recently.  Oh, there were all these positive reviews about the author's candor and overcoming this and that!  It sounded like it would be right up my alley!  So I'm going to read it through.  I'll give her this:  she writes in such a way as to keep me turning the pages, if not feeling sympathetic toward or relating to her.  I'll let you all know what I think when I'm finished.


So I might as well mention the other book that I read, last week.  It's been on my ever-expanding book list forever, friends have been urging me to read it and saying how much they thought I would like it, on and on.  I guess I wasn't clear on the plot or whatever ... it's summary sure doesn't do it justice.  It's "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.  Well!  I could not believe I had waited so long, with this book just OUT THERE, waiting for me to pick it on up!  I simply adored it!  I had to think it over, reflect, absorb, all of these things that I do with a beloved book ... and yes, now that I've done that, I can honestly tell you it is one of my Top 15 favorite books of all time.  It might be Top 10; I have to sit down and think about my current list.  I mean, this is including my favorite so-called "great" literature, my favorite childhood classics, poetry, whatever, all in one collection ... and this book would make the top 10-15.  It is wonderful.  I loved it.  


So there you are!  As you know, I don't do any sort of regular book or movie reviews, but hey, if I like or love or hate or am confused by something, I like to discuss.  And this weekend I've had one movie and two books ... and it ain't over yet!